


Notebooks on the Basement Floor

by p_nd18



Category: K-pop, VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-05-26 09:57:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6234157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/p_nd18/pseuds/p_nd18
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taekwoon hadn't always been this way. Sure he had never smiled much, but he was still happy. That was before the incident though. Now...now Taekwoon was broken and he doesn't know if he'll ever be fixed.</p><p>And then there's Jaehwan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously I do not own these people.  
> This is the first part of my prequel to my oneshot A Box in the Attic.  
> This part is explaining how Taekwoon got depression in high school.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taekwoon is 18 and finally becomes popular at school. The soccer captain catches his attention and everything goes well...until it doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Taekwoon X Eunkwang with some slight underage-ish stuff, but no actual sexsex...sorry.

At 18 Jung Taekwoon was diagnosed with depression.

It wasn't really a surprise to him, 4 years of being bullied in school does that to a person.

It wasn't even Taekwoon's fault, he can't help being gay.

Now, in 2016, everyone knows it wasn't Taekwoons fault.

He was born that way.

It still wasn't normal, but it wasn't considered wrong anymore either.

But back then, things were different.

Guys didn't like other guys.

That's not how things worked.

Taekwoon's classmates taught him that.

~

Taekwoon was always the quiet one in school. Rarely spoke to anyone, he had no reason to.

They called him selectively mute.

They weren't necessarily wrong, but they weren't exactly right either.

Taekwoon talked; a lot actually: He talked to his mom, his sisters, his cat and when his father was home from service, Taekwoon talked to him too.

He just wasn't comfortable talking to anyone else.

So he left his classmates alone and in return, they left him alone too.

That changed when Taekwoon joined the school's soccer team.

Taekwoon loved soccer and he was good at it too, actually he was better than that. He was exceptional and his classmates loved it.

After the third game, they made him one of them, a popular. Taekwoon never realized how much he had needed friends.

After awhile every girl in his class wanted him, but Taekwoon didn't want one of the girls.

He wanted the team captain.

He want Seo Eunkwang.

~

Taekwoon doesn't exactly remember when he developed a crush on Eunkwang.

They're the same age so Taekwoon knows who he is, He just hasn't ever interested Taekwoon before.

Taekwoon supposes that it was between the time he joined the team (When Eunkwang gladly accepted the shy boy with open arms after he passed the tryouts with flying colors) to their game last week (Which his feelings have since then gotten stronger)

After every practice the team had, Taekwoon's eyes slipped further and further down Eunkwang's body.

After their first practice, his eyes had stared at the back of Eunkwang's head, but when Taekwoon pulled his practice shorts off, he banged his elbow on his locker causing Eunkwang to look at him.

Taekwoon had quickly diverted his gaze to the floor. Hastily buttoning his pants and throwing the rest of his clothes on, trying to fight away the blush that had crept up his neck to rest on his pale cheeks.

Eunkwang gave him a slight smile before leaving the locker room.

Taekwoon's eyes took that as a sign.

After the first incident, they had slipped down to Eunkwang's back. Too shy to look any further, but brave enough to stare at the way the muscles moved beneath his skin as he finished getting dressed.

This time though...This time Taekwoon had hit the jackpot.

It was after their game against the school's rival team.

4-3

This game had been the hardest game they had played that year, but they still managed to win.

The boys ran into the locker room, shouting their victory to the world.

Taekwoon had began to change into his regular clothes when Jaehyo, a fellow midfielder, had approached him.

"You coming to Seungho's party tonight?"

Taekwoon shock his head 'no'.

"Why not?" Seungho, the varsity teams goalkeeper, asked joining the conversation. "All the girls will be there. If you come hyung can introduce you to a few."

Taekwoon opened his mouth, ready to come up with an excuse when Eunkwang spoke.

"You should seriously consider going Taekwoon. The seasons almost over and you haven't been to one yet, enjoy yourself a little." Noticing Taekwoon's still dubious expression, Eunkwang added a "Please?" at the end.

Hesitantly Taekwoon nodded his head 'yes', eliciting a smile from Eunkwang.

Usually Taekwoon wouldn't hesitate to let forth his reasoning of "no", but Eunkwang had asked him to go and the sweat dripping off of Eunkwang's pectorals may have helped persuade Taekwoon a little.

 

~

 

Taekwoon never was one for parties.

Too loud and too crowded.

Plus, parties meant alcohol and Taekwoon didn't do alcohol.

"Just a sip Woonie, please? For me?" Eunkwang had asked 5 minutes after Taekwoon had arrived to the party.

"This is a celebration, live a little."

"Just a sip." Taekwoon thought as he took the can from Eunkwang.

An hour later found the two players surrounded by various empty cans.

"Hey," Eunkwang started. "Do you want to go upstairs? Seungho has a balcony."

Taekwoon didn't know what they needed a balcony for at the moment, but Eunkwang wanted to go so Taekwoon followed.

Pushing past the crowd dancing, Eunkwang made his way upstairs, not waiting to see if Taekwoon had followed him.

Taekwoon jogged to catch up with his teammate. After climbing the stairs, he followed his way down the hall to the only door that was open.

The room was pitch black except for the moonlight that filtered in through the balcony doors.

Taekwoon silently walked into the room. He let out a noise of surprise when he was forcefully pushed onto what seemed to be a bed.

"God you have no idea how long I've wanted this."

"Eu-Eunkwang?" Taekwoon stuttered.

Eunkwang slid Taekwoon's shirt up to reveal the older boys smooth pale torso before leaning down to attach his mouth to it.

Taekwoon gasped causing Eunkwang to move his mouth further up Taekwoon's stomach to bite at one of the boys nipples.

Taekwoon's back arched off the bed and his hands found their way to Eunkwang's hair, softly tugging at the strands.

Eunkwang pulled away to look at Taekwoon's face, pulling the midfielders shirt off with him. He then moved forward to bite at Taekwoon's exposed neck.

Taekwoon moaned at the feeling, hips jerking to gain friction where he needed it most. He almost felt ashamed at the fact that Eunkwang's barely done anything to him and he's already hard, but then Eunkwang rolls his hips down to meet Taekwoons and...

Oh 

Eunkwang's hard too.

Taekwoon closes his eyes, enjoying the sensations, before tugging Eunkwang up for a kiss.

Except Eunkwang doesn't kiss him, he goes back to sucking at his neck and Taekwoon realises that this isn't real because both of them are drunk.

This doesn't mean anything to Eunkwang.

"Stop." Taekwoon says.

Eunkwang moves one of his hands from beside Taekwoon to tug at the older boys zipper.

"Stop!" Taekwoon says it louder this time, pushing Eunkwang off of him.

"What the hell man?" Eunkwang exclaims.

"I don't want to...This is...This doesn't mean anything." Taekwoon says softly.

"So?"

Taekwoon diverts his eyes away from Eunkwang's, trying to prevent the tears from falling.

Eunkwang scoffs, "Whatever."

 

Taekwoon doesn't flinch when the door slams shut, leaving him alone in the darkness, but a few tears do fall and Taekwoon reminds himself.

He doesn't like parties.

 

~

 

Taekwoon's life goes to hell after that.

Someone spreads around the rumour that the soccer teams lead midfielder is gay. Taekwoon knows who did it and he knows why they did it, but he doesn't say anything.

Taekwoon doesn't like the team captain anymore.

 

~

 

Taekwoon didn't get to finish the rest of the season.

With the rumours spreading around the school like wildfire, Taekwoon's forced to quit.

He's no longer popular, but his classmates don't ignore him.

The bruises on his body prove that much.

 

~

 

Three years later Taekwoon tries to kill himself.

His mother finds him on his bedroom floor convulsing around an empty bottle of medicine.

He's forced into therapy once he's released from the hospital.

His therapist recommends that Taekwoon starts writing his feelings down in a notebook.

By the end of senior year Taekwoons filled 6 of them.

 

~

 

Taekwoon decides to move to Seoul when he's 20.

He has nothing going for him here. His dad retired from the military so his mom's fine, his sister's are both in college and his cat died a year ago.

So Taekwoon moves to Seoul, where he finds work as a barista in a shabby little hut shoved behind the shadows of big corporate food chains and moves into a tiny apartment that vaguely reminds Taekwoon of his mother's walk-in closet back home.

But Taekwoon had nothing going for him there. So he doesn't think about moving back and he doesn't think about how small his apartment is.

But he does write and by the time he's 26, Taekwoon fills up 182 of them.


	2. Part 2.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 years after Taekwoon moves away from home he meets a boy.

June 8th, 2016

Taekwoon woke up with a gasp, his hands flying up to his face on instinct. He frantically looked around his apartment. He wasn't in the hospital and he wasn't in Seungho’s guestroom with Eunkwang either.

“Just a dream.” Taekwoon mumbled quietly to himself while pushing the covers off of his body. He stumbled around boxes of his therapy journals on his way to the bathroom.

He splashed water onto his face and glanced at his reflection in the mirror. He looked terrible, but at least his cheeks were fuller thanks to Hakeyon. Taekwoon sighed, patted his face dry with a washcloth and checked the time on his cellphone; 5:30 am.  
Only an hour until he had to be at work to help Hakeyon with the breakfast muffins. Taekwoon groaned at his misfortune of befriending his boss which only caused him to wake up earlier than he needed to. Taekwoon thought about calling Hakyeon to tell him no and go die in a hole before he stepped into the shower to begin his day.

+

Taekwoon took his apron off and hung it up on the specified hanger by the employees exit before letting Hakyeon know that he was taking his lunch break. Hakyeon sent him out with a muffin and a small cup as coffee as thanks for coming in so early.

Taekwoon walked down the sidewalk, heading toward the park bench he frequents during his lunch break. He stopped abruptly when he noticed that someone was already sitting there. The seat stealer glanced up wearily at the ominous figure that is Taekwoon. After Taekwoon has had his fill of the kids fear he decides to go ahead and sit down anyway. He sits down and crosses his leg over his knee before he begins to eat his lunch. The kid rearranged his posture on the bench before he continues to type on his laptop.

The kid, man technically, is actually quite attractive now that Taekwoon has a better view of him. He's wearing glasses which keep sliding down his nose-a nose that Taekwoon surprisingly enough finds very adorable-making the kid push them back up every few minutes or so.  
“Can I help you?”  
Taekwoon didn’t expect to get caught staring at him, “Are you an author?” Hakyeon must have spiked his coffee or something because his mouth is speaking on its own. The boy laughs a little and says, “No, I'm just finishing up one of my essays. Are you?” Taekwoon blushes a little, yep , definitely spiked. “No…” He glanced at the rest of the man's belongings. “What are you then?” The man stops typing to face Taekwoon head on. He smiles, a slightly crooked smile that is leaning more toward a smirk and says,

“I’m Jaehwan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay an update... I am so sorry that it took this long. I would come up with a legit excuse about how I have a successful life or one with potential or something, but instead I will tell you the truth. I was lazy and I read over 50 fan fics because it is summer and I will barely be able to breath during the next two years of my schooling so I am inhaling what freedom I have. 
> 
> Sue me. 
> 
> I'll see you truckers in court.


	3. Part 2.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehwan shows up while Taekwoon is at work and shows him a secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super duper not edited. Okay kind of, but like I'm shit at grammar. So I finally got over writers block. Still have no internet can not promise quick updates... Please don't hate me~

June 10, 2016 

The door chimed with the presence of a new customer. Hakyeon squeals in excitement, “Jaehwan-ie~” Taekwoon smacked his head on the coffee machine in surprise. He rubbed his wound and turned toward the cash register where Hakyeon stood chatting with Jaehwan.

Jaehwan glanced toward him with a small grin before continuing his conversation with Hakyeon. Taekwoon finished the order he was working on and walked toward Hakyeon, handing him the finished product. Hakyeon called the customers name and turned back to Jaehwan introducing him to Taekwoon. “Jaehwan, this is my newest assistant, well newest since you’ve been here. Which makes me wonder, why haven't you been coming here lately? I mean not lately, but like two years. Jaehwan what the hell happened? You just-” “I know who this is Hakyeon.” Hakyeon exhales, slightly annoyed at being interrupted, but mostly in surprise, “How do you two know each other?” he asked sending Taekwoon a look that to other people just looked like a curious glance, but to Taekwoon was an accusatory glare.

Taekwoon diverted his eyes to the floor. Jaehwan helpfully chimed in for Taekwoon’s place. “We met at a park previously.” Taekwoon nodded his head slightly in agreement, Hakyeon-still giving off an irritated vibe at not having known their relations, and at having been. Interrupted- gives a stiff smile. His irritation permeates the air surrounding the three of them, which Taekwoon notices is driving off potential customers behind Jaehwan. “Is it okay for me to leave early for the day?” Taekwoon asks, causing Hakyeon to glance at him in slight surprise. His friend stutters out an affirmative, not used to Taekwoon wanting to actually take an early leave. 

~

“You didn’t have to take off work just to see me you know.” Jaehwan says as him and Taekwoon leave the cafe. Taekwoon nods, showing that he heard him. Jaewhan gives a soft smile, “I want to show you something.” Taekwoon looks at him in confusion before nodding.

The thing, as it turns out, is his apartment or at least that's what it seems to Taekwoon. They walk up a shabby set of stairs and enter the third door on the right. It's not the best place to live, but who is Taekwoon to judge. It is quite lived in, clothes strewn about on the floor and crumbled up pieces of paper of rejected works surround what Taekwoon supposes is a couch. “It's nice.” Taekwoon mentions.  
Jaehwan kicks an empty bottle out of his way and nods, “It's home.” 

Dragging Taekwoon into another room, he sits down into what actually classifies as a decent bed and pulls out a worn shoebox. The lid is opened and inside it lays little mementos: a dried flower here and there; small anime figurines hide beneath magazine clippings; a few ticket stubs whisper movie names, and several pictures reek of fond memories.

Taewoon watches as Jaehwan smiles as he touches a few of the things inside the box before he pulls out a folded piece of paper, and unfolds its contents. Dreams and aspirations slide down the creases of the page and fill both men with a small sense of hope. The page holds several items placed next to boxes, some unmarked, but most of them checked off. “I've never shown anyone this before and to be honest, I don't know why I'm showing you.” Jaehwan says with a laugh. Taekwoon glances at him before, then back to the paper.

There a total of 27 items, 19 of them already checked off. Taekwoon glances at a few of the items: kiss a girl, check. Meet Oda Eiichiro, check. Become a manhwa artist, it's not exactly checked off, but it's also not completely blank so Taekwoon assumes its a work in progress. “Its not exactly a bucket list, and it's also not a To-Do list. I sort of just call it my ultimate list of things to get done.” Jaehwan glances at Taekwoon- who is still standing at the edge of the bed, slightly swaying from having stood there for so long- and gently tugs on his arm until he sits down next to him. Taekwoon blushes when their thighs touch as he fully sits down onto the bed.

Jaehwan explains each task in succession, why it's on there, when he wrote them. Each one with its own individual story, from his first kiss to why getting Hakyeon laid was apparently important enough to be added. (“You don’t understand, he was so tense at the time. Like you know him now, but it was ten times worse back then. It had to be done for the good of humanity.”) When he's finished he folds the paper back up, puts it in the dieing box, slides it back under his bed, and looks to Taekwoon, seemingly searching for something.

Unknowingly, Taekwoon leans in trying to decipher what he is looking for. Jaehwan finds it when their lips meet and Taekwoon swears he is going to pull back, not sure why he hasn't yet, but then Jaehwan pries his mouth open and Taekwoon can't just not let it happen at this point even though every instinct is saying it's too soon.

Eventually, Jaehwan is the one to pull back and he pulls an apology out from Taekwoons lips as he leans back- it goes ignored, not being needed. They both know its time for Taekwoon to go home and a fond, shy smile is shared as the apartment door closes. Taekwoon hails a taxi and heads home.

He opens a journal and begins to write.

About a boy

A kiss

And a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. Not dead. Surprise. This is shit. I'm trash. Super short, like me. Ha. I swear I'm going to finish this...


	4. Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are fine until they aren't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for panic/anxiety attacks

August 6, 2017 | 2 years left

Things have gone well for Taekwoon so far: Jaehwan marked 2 items off his “ultimate list” and Taekwoon gained a boyfriend-Which Hakyeon claims he knew it was going to happen, which he probably did. The cafe started getting more customers since the name brand corporation down the street closed for renovations, so Hakyeon hired a new helper named Hongbin, a nice guy with a great smile -who Hakyeon says has been dating a musician that lives near Jaehwan-giving Taekwoon time to spend with Jaehwan on slow days, well more time for him when Jaehwan isn't currently working on a small comic series for a local newspaper.

 

“Jaehwan-ah~”  
“Jaehwan-ie”  
“Jaehwan”  
“Jaehwan”

“Dammit Jaehwan! Quit thinking about your boyfriend and pay attention to me.” Jaehwan snaps out of his daze, self-conciously moving paper strips and pencils around on his desk. His boss gave him a sympathetic smile and gently nudged him. “Jaehwan, it's time to go home. Your assistant has already left, did you know that?”   
Jaehwan glanced at the desk opposite him to indeed discover that Sanghyuk had left before him. 

Hurrying out of the building Jaehwan's wristwatch tells him it's already 11:30 at night, so Taekwoon is probably asleep.

He heads home and prays Wonshik isn't with his boyfriend this late so he can actually get some sleep tonight, but as he walks up the stairs to his floor he can easily make out the weird little creaking noise Wonshik's bed does and the not-so-silent gasps Hongbin makes. Jaehwan glares at their door, still on the top step before deciding that if someone were to see him that things may look different than he intended.

He contemplates calling Taekwoon to see if he can come over, but decides that it’s too late, he might wake him up. Jaehwan sighs before unlocking his door; if he can't sleep he might as well work on his project before it's due.

~

Taekwoon rolls onto his other side for the nth time before sitting up. Did Jaehwan make it to bed on time? Is he asleep or still at work? He's old enough to take care of himself, but Taekwoon can't help but worry for him. His thoughts seem to agree as they slowly fill his mind completely.

Where are they in their relationship? Is it okay for him to worry about Jaehwan's well-being? Is he pushing Jaehwan too much or not giving him enough? They’ve been dating for a year now, should they be having sex? Should they be living together? What are the standards, are there any?

Taekwoon holds his chest and breathes rapidly, he knows he’s over thinking things, that their relationship Is fine how it is, but Taekwoon can't help it. The anxiety and stress bursts inside him until it fills his lungs and threatens to drown him.

He takes a deep breath, inhale and exhale. His eyes clenched shut, tears threatening to spill out and stain his cheeks. He’s not a pretty cryer, never had been. Will Jaehwan find him ugly? Does he already?

Taekwoon's not self-concious, not really. He rather likes how he looks, his lips, his nose, ah! What pretty eyes he has, but some days this dark feeling creeps into him from the ground and travels from the soles of his feet and creeps up his calves, crawling around his chest to clench around his neck and cover his face until he can't see clearly. Then his lips are unproportioned and his nose is too big, and the eyes he admired become to small for his face. His thighs are too big, his arms are too fat, but he can't help what he sees. Not when it's true. 

Taekwoon gasps out, stumbling out of bed, crawling across the floor when he lands on his knees. He needs his medicine or something to drink. Maybe he should go to the hospital, will Hakyeon be awake enough to take him?

Hakyeon doesn't like Taekwoon, he hired Hongbin to replace him. Why would Hakyeon give Taekwoon a ride? He would just get the seats dirty.

Tears slip down his face, salt sticking to his skin and giving his face red patches. He grasps at his phone.

Jaehwan wants a pretty girlfriend, but why is he with you? Did you force him to Taekwoon or is he with you out of pity? 

He dials a number

Someone picks up

But Taekwoon can't breath

Luckily Jaehwan can't sleep.

We thought he was well,   
Turns out we were wrong.  
There's 8 things left,   
will he get them all?  
Things were once fine  
But now that's all gone  
If Taekwoon would just take a   
look at the wall.   
He too could see,  
Why leaves don't fall green.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendly Reminder for self: Apostrophes are not that f*cking hard to use.  
> This was created super early in the morning like a week ago.  
> Fun fact: because it was so early in the morning I forgot the word exhale and had at first used outhale.  
> Also what the hell is that at the end? Like I know what it means, but idk if you guys do. I'm too lazy to remove it...


	5. Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not everything has a happy ending, but some things had a rough start to begin with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short update before another update before I finally bring this to a close because what started as a good idea is unfortunately being dragged out from my lack of skill...

Everyone has dreams, whether we admit to them or not. 

Some people have realistic dreams, while others dream to escape their reality.

Their dreams may be just dreams; nice little thoughts that they turn to for a smile. 

Their dreams may also be more like goals; something they look up to and eventually want to accomplish. 

Though no matter what, dreams are beautiful, the mind designs these thoughts to please us, give us hope when life seems like hell.

Unfortunately, there is a slightly more darker side to dreams. These we call nightmares. Humans naturally have hidden psychopathic tendencies, we also tend to hide these. We may imagine how we would plan a break-in or in some cases a murder. 

These thoughts, along with a percentage of terrible scenarios an individual may have experienced, bleed into our minds and poison our thoughts.

Luckily, dreams are too beautiful for us to remember and nightmares are too terrible for us to recall. 

 

Except for an unlucky few.

 

And even worse, those who live them.

 

Taekwoon was one of them.

 

March 30, 2018

 

1 year left

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reread the first parts of this to try to get back into the game and I noticed some of my errors (that I'm too lazy to fix). In the first part when Taekwoon was developing a crush on Eunkwang I wrote, "He [Taekwoon] want Seo Eunkwang." Or something like that and it sounds so fucking barbaric which was super unintentional and all I can see is some Neanderthal version of Taekwoon saying that and i'm still giggling over it.
> 
>  
> 
> This was a long and pointless note sorry, haha.


	6. Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is settling into their lives comfortably except Jaehwan's family is trying to get involved in his life and it's straining his relationship with Taekwoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recreational drug reference: Girl Scout Cookie Strains. I literally just did a quick google based on what little knowledge I have on weed for research so sorry if it's inaccurate.

December 16, 2019

 

Taekwoon quits writing down his countdown, he’s afraid someone will find it and ask about it and he doesn’t want anyone to worry more than necessary. After his panic attack two years ago and his history of depression—He still has it, It’s just calmed down a bit and unlike what his doctors say it won’t just go away. He doubts it ever will.—he moved in with Hakyeon. Jaehwan offered to let him stay at his apartment, but Taekwoon declined. They had only been dating for two years at the time, it’s not uncommon to move in together so soon; everybody is different. Taekwoon just wasn’t comfortable with it, he’s too unstable and he doesn’t want Jaehwan to realize what a freak he actually is. 

 

_ He’s not a freak. He is not a freak. _

 

So Hakyeon gladly takes him under his wing and things have been fine since. His breakdowns have dissipated enough, his panic attacks aren’t as common, and his night terrors don’t happen as much. Taekwoon lost track of how many notebooks he’s filled and he feels bad that they take up so much space, but Hakyeon doesn’t say anything. Times have changed a lot, Hakyeon came out as asexual, Wonshik and Hongbin are married, Hwayoung—Jaehwan’s assistant, who eventually became part of their group—came out as trans, and Jaehwan...Jaehwan loves Taekwoon and that’s more than enough for him. 

 

They meet up every once in awhile at the cafe, when it’s after hours and nobody’s busy. They drink cheap alcohol and laugh too much and no one says anything if Wonshik leaves to go to the bathroom and comes back chugging a bottle of water because even though marijuana is legal, Hakyeon doesn’t want the lobby of his coffee shop smelling like cookies ( _ I don’t bake cookies Wonshik, I can’t get customers hopes up just because you couldn’t keep your sativa-hybrid thing at home)  _ which has Hongbin leaning over and asking “What flavour?” “Thin Mints” “Nice.” Their group is their family and no one would want to change anything. Unfortunately everybody has a job and their own life so they don’t get to hang out as much as they would like too, but Jaehwan takes Taekwoon out on dates to remind him that everyone still cares, it’s fine. Taekwoon doesn’t tell him that it doesn’t help, words won’t stop the creeping darkness that climbs his back and clings to his shoulders until they meet up as a group again.

 

_ He’s fine. He is fine. _

  
  


2020 hits and the group celebrates by hanging out at the cafe, drinking slightly more expensive beer and Hakyeon allowing Wonshik to bring his “adult cookies” to the lobby and everyone smiles, but ignores the fact that Hakyeon eats one, for his sake. They make wishes and new year’s resolutions that everyone knows will be half-assed attempts until Spring stress hits them and they give up completely. They help hakyeon clean up before they go their separate ways: The husbands go home, Hwayoung leaves with her girlfriend, Hakyeon heads to his car to wait for Taekwoon and Jaehwan pulls Taekwoon into a hug. It’s slightly unexpected, but Taekwoon relaxes into his boyfriend’s grip, breathes in his scent. It’s comforting; ink and chocolate. Jaehwan smiles and kisses Taekwoon, briefly. His smile seems sad, but Taekwoon doesn’t say anything. They kiss once more before pulling apart, Jaehwan leaves and goes home. Taekwoon touches his lips and wonders why he feels empty.

 

Her names Hani. Hwayoung let's it slip out after one too many cans of beer and Jaehwan grimaces. Hongbin slowly takes Hwayoung’s beer away; Taekwoon stares at Jaehwan blankly. “It’s my parents Taekwoon. You know how they are-” He stops. No, Taekwoon doesn’t know, he’s never met them. As domestic as their relationship could be, Jaehwan never let him meet them. “They’re very right-winged, they didn’t talk to me for a month when I came out as Bi. They still don’t mention the fact that I came out, I just didn’t think they would ignore it and consider it a phase I had in college.” Hakyeon butts in, “So you’re ignoring the fact that you have a boyfriend just to please your parents?” “It’s not like that.” “Then what’s like.” Taekwoon finally joins in and Hakyeon frowns at how quiet he sounds, at how insecure Jaehwan has clearly made him and he doesn’t even realize it. “We’re not dating, It wasn’t a date. I just met her to please my parents, guys you’ve got to understand that.” Wonshik frowns, “That sounds like a date to me.” 

“Are you going to meet with her again?” Taekwoon’s expressionless and Jaehwan thinks he’s mad. ”No, of course not.” Taekwoon nods his head as if to say ‘okay’ so everyone else drops the subject and tries to move on and ignore the tension that’s ghosting around the table.

 

He does meet with her again and the group doesn’t meet up as often because Wonshik punched Jaehwan in the mouth when he admitted it, so Hakyeon says that tensions need to die down a bit before he lets everyone come over. He doesn’t tell Taekwoon that it’s because he’s pissed at Jaehwan too and if Wonshik didn’t punch him first, he would’ve. Taekwoon sleeps more often and Hakyeon lets him, eventually Hongbin becomes a full time employee, but he’s not replacing Taekwoon. At least that’s what they’re telling him. Taekwoon isn’t naive though, so he knows. There’s more notebooks around Hakyeon’s apartment until there isn’t anymore and that’s what scares Hakyeon the most. He can’t be at the house all the time and he’s worried about what Taekwoon may have replaced his coping habit with. Jaehwan doesn’t break up with Taekwoon because, “ _ We’re not dating Taekwoon, we’re just friends.  _ We  _ are dating (He gestured back and forth between them.)”  _ But Jaehwan doesn’t visit him as often as he used to.  

 

A year later though, things turn back to normal. Nobody mentions Hani and whatever her relationship to Jaehwan was and tensions die down enough for them to hang out again.

Wonshik doesn’t pay any attention to Jaehwan anymore and Hwayoung quits drinking so much.

 

_ Taekwoon is numb. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 more chapter guys.  
> idk why, but wonshik smoking weed appealed to me, except he really didn't smoke it, I mean I assume you eat a Girl Scout Cookie Strain. They looked like cookies. 
> 
> ah, also weed is not legal in Korea. This is slightly in the future, but still. Don't get your hopes up.


	7. Part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They say that if you love something, you should let it go...Love is never easy for those who really want it though, is it?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief mentions of suicide and an innacurate description of a panic attack whitch I apoplogize for because I've never experienced one therefore I can't "recreate" the feeling, but this is fiction and no body who has actually had a panic attack would want to read an accurate description and relive anything. At least that's what I think.
> 
> Trigger warnings: suicide and panic attacks
> 
> (Is that how I do one of those? I've never used one I think)

January 4, 2027

The cafe is cold tonight, Hakyeon being too cheap to turn the heater up so everyone is wrapped up in spare blankets that they found in the back room. The husbands share a worn down woolen one with holes where moths have eaten through it, Jaehwan and Taekwoon share a red one with the tag ripped off and no one can tell what the fabric is for the life of them, and Hwayoung and Hakyeon share a bright neon lime microfiber throw that makes everyone squint when they look at them because _“The ugly hurts my eyes.” “The blanket’s not that bad Jaehwan, shut your mouth.” “I wasn’t talking about the blanket_ ” Hongbin busts out laughing while Hakyeon and Hwayoung threatens to kick Jaehwan out, Wonshik and Taekwoon smile fondly.

Later that night, when they head home. Taekwoon goes home with Jaehwan; Hakyeon pretends to be wounded spouting off nonsense about Jaehwan stealing his man until Hwayoung says that she’d gladly go home with Hakyeon instead and everyone groans when they both wiggle their eyebrows suggestively for longer than necessary.

Jaehwan’s apartment is still the same. He misses Wonshik a bit, but with their relationship having changed and him getting married, he supposes it’s for the best. He wouldn’t of handled Hongbin being next door constantly anyway, _“He’s a great guy Wonshik really, it’s just, sometimes...when you guys...He’s kind of…” “Dude, just spit it out.” “Yourboyfriendsoundslikeapornstargettingfuckedbytwoguysatthesametimeandit’sreallyloud.”_ Wonshik sits, mouth agape while Hongbin glares, poking his head out of the bathroom. Jaehwan covers his face and whines because Wonshik didn’t enlighten him to Hongbin’s presence before he came over. He sleeps with noise cancelling headphones on just in case Hongbin tries to get revenge.

Unlike Hakyeon’s cafe, Jaehwan doesn’t have a choice when it comes to the coldness of his place. He does pull out his One Piece blanket and smiles when Taekwoon grimaces at it. “I thought you got rid of that?” “Of course i didn’t, it was signed by Oda Eiichiro.” “Where at?” “On the tag.” “Jaehwan there’s not a tag on this.” “Did you really think I was going to keep that valuable tag on a blanket?” Taekwoon doesn’t argue with him, he sort of understands his reasoning. They sit together, curled up trying to get warm. Jaehwan leans forward and brushes his lips against Taekwoon’s. Taekwoon smiles slightly, feeling giddy. Jaehwan doesn’t, It’s been awhile for them. A lot has happened lately and they finally have time together, Jaehwan doesn’t have any projects to worry about and Taekwoon’s inner demons have settled down enough for his to feel some slight emotion. So Jaehwan leans forward again, and their lips brush once more.

Taekwoon’s pushed onto his back, legs bent in half so he can comfortably lay on the two-seater with Jaehwan between his thighs. Jaehwan’s kisses get rougher, harsher than what Taekwoon is used to. He frowns as Jaehwan pulls off his shirt and leans down to bite Taekwoons neck because Jaehwan knows how Taekwoon feels about his neck during sex. He knows about some of Taekwoon’s past, Taekwoon entrusted him with that much. The only difference is that when Taekwoon pulls Jaehwan up for a kiss to ground himself back to the present instead of a post-game party, Jaehwan actually kisses him back. He tries to relax now because this is Jaehwan. This is Jaehwan and comfort and- Jaehwan palms at Taekwoon’s nipple and Taekwoon lets out a surprised moan. _That’s new_. Jaehwan tugs his shirt off before moving down the couch a bit to get better access to Taekwoon’s nipples. He licks at one and tweaks the other and Taekwoon becomes hard. Sooner, than what was normal between them, but Jaehwan rolls his hips, brushing their covered crouches together and then it was fine. Jaehwan was hard too. Jaehwan’s gasping, more desperate than normal to get off, this isn’t as slow as they usually go, but right now it’s what they need. Thrust after thrust ensues, dry humping, slowly getting more worked up. Jaehwan wants more, he needs to grab a condom and lube from nearby so he can finish. Taekwoon wants more as well, he wants Jaehwan to be closer to him, _in him._ So he pulls Jaehwan closer, pulls him into a kiss, but Jaehwan resists.

A cold sense of deja-vu comes sweeping over Taekwoon and he gasps, eyes widening as he remembers a dark room. Loud music and bright lights flash into Taekwoon’s vision and he slams his eyes shut. He hears Jaehwan ask if he’s okay. A balcony shines behind Taekwoon’s eyelids. Someone is holding his face gently, they sound worried. Now someone is forcing Taekwoon onto a bed. Taekwoon lashes out hitting his offender, but they don’t stop. They put their knees in the crease of his elbows to stop him from attacking and pet his hair. Taekwoon’s eyebrows crease in confusion, something seems off. His shirt is being lifted upward. No, his attacker is still petting his head soothingly. Taekwoon squirms, trying to get out from under this person. Beer cans litter him and this person. Jaehwan calls out to Taekwoon again, this has never happened before and he doesn’t know what to do. Taekwoon is back in the bedroom upstairs, except now he knows who is on top of him. Jaehwan is biting his neck, avoiding his kiss, they drank so much at the party. A party Taekwoon didn’t even want to go to, he just went because the soccer captain wanted him too.

The deja-vu feeling gets warmer. Taekwoon is calming down a bit and his memory is adding information where his panic had removed things. Jaehwan wasn’t the soccer captain, Jaehwan hated soccer. He can sense his hair being petted again and now he knows what’s wrong. He opens his eyes, tears falling down his face more freely. Jaehwan attempts to smile, hiding how much this event actually scared him. Jaehwan gets off of Taekwoon putting his shirt on and handing Taewoon his. They sit in silence, Taekwoon is still vulnerable and scared and slightly still confused and Jaehwan doesn’t know that he needs to be comforting right now. They sit on the loveseat in silence, they had eventually curled back together the cold having broken whatever tension had been created.

It gets later into the night when Jaehwan asks if Taekwoon wants to leave. Taekwoon nods his head yes, wanting to stay, but not wanting to bother Jaehwan anymore. So Jaehwan drives Taekwoon home, drops him off at the entrance to Hakyeon's house and kisses him goodnight, says he loves him and leaves. Taekwoon waves goodbye, knowing Jaehwan couldn’t see him anymore, but also knowing that it would make him smile anyway.

He heads inside, the chill of the wind nudging him towards the door. In the warmth of Taekwoon’s room(because Hakyeon wasn’t that cheap when it came to the comforts of his own home)he writes one last paragraph. He decides it’s the perfect ending so he puts it in a box with the others, but this time he completely seals it. He didn’t write that much near the end anyway, but he knows he did the right thing by keeping that last notebook out.

They didn’t talk after the incident. Jaehwan got busy with work and Taekwoon assumed he would be a burden to him if he visited. Eventually though they stopped talking altogether. It had only been a week, but Taekwoon’s freak accident that night must have scared Jaehwan away.

It’s after hours at the cafe and the group is there except for Jaehwan and there isn’t any alcohol being drunk because Taekwoon is sobbing onto the table and into his folded arms because everything is just too much right now. _“They’re engaged Taekwoon, I’m so sorry. He told me not to tell you, but you deserve to know.” Hakyeon grips Hwayoung’s arm, glaring at her. “Why the hell would you tell him that now?” “He has every right to know why Jaehwan left for a week and if you think sheltering Taekwoon forever is going to help him in his state then you’re as foolish as Jaehwan.”_ Hwayoung is frowning at the floor, upset that she made Taekwoon cry and mad that nobody had told him sooner. Wonshik and Hongbin are politely staying quiet and Hakyeon is fuming. Over Jaehwan being the biggest fucking prick he’s ever met, over Hwayoung for being too blatant and also for her being right over his sheltering, and at himself: in the end he couldn’t prevent Taekwoon from this heartbreak, he couldn’t prevent him from falling in love, and he couldn’t predict what a douche Jaehwan would turn out to be.

Taekwoon continues to sob, everybody knew about Hani and Jaehwan’s relationship except for him. The worst thing about this was that Taekwoon wasn’t mad at Jaehwan, he was upset at himself. For lying to Jaehwan about his depression, about his history. He was sorry that Jaehwan couldn’t be happy because he had dated Taekwoon for so long, Sorry that Jaehwan had to lie about his relationship with Hani just to please Taekwoon. In the end everything was Taekwoons fault.

He quits sobbing, he wipes the tears off his face as numbness creeps in again. He pretends that he’s fine for everybody else, he knows they don’t believe him though. At the end of the night, he pulls everyone into a hug. They smile when they all leave knowing that Taekwoon will get over it eventually, they don’t mention the fact that Taekwoon has never hugged all of them in one night before. When Hakyeon and him get home, he declines the cup of tea Hakyeon offers to make and heads to bed. He writes a note on one of the boxes of notebooks, brushes his hand across the side of it. So much time was spent on these notebooks, so much emotion. He doesn’t even remember the last time he felt that much. He knows that Hakyeon will do the right thing. He steps out of his room, leaves when he notices that Hakyeon is asleep on the couch and closes the door.

He inhales the fresh cold air.

Walks for awhile, down the street and past houses.

He wonders what their occupants are doing.

He wonders what his family is doing.

He wonders what Jaehwan is doing.

He even wonders what Eunkwang is doing.

He looks up at the dark sky, eyes moving across what little stars he can see. There's too much pollution to see much, that’s a shame.

He inhales the cold dewy air and watches his exhale curl out in foggy wisps.

He smiles because what he and Jaehwan had was beautiful, but he’s glad that Jaehwan is happy now.

People see him jump off the bridge, but nobody says anything.

It’s too common recently. 

* * *

 

5 Years Later

Hakyeon packs a group of boxes into the back of his car. He really doesn’t want to go by there, but this force keeps pushing Hakyeon, nudging him into the front seat and keeps him driving until he gets there. He misses Taekwoon dearly, but he really wishes he would quit fucking with him from the afterlife. Hakyeon thinks that if he let his foot off the gas, Taekwoons post-life sheer determination would still drive the car forward.

When he gets to the house he puts all the boxes in front of the garage door, walks to the front door, knocks and then leaves. He can feel Taekwoon frowning at him, but he doesn’t care. He delivered all of the damn boxes. He never said he was going to talk to the guy. He gets in the car and leaves. He notices that Taekwoon doesn’t seem to be near him anymore, but he doesn’t notice that a man has opened up the front door, and sadly stands at the entrance watching him drive away.

* * *

 

 

The man walks out of his house, his wife is at her moms for the weekend and the kids are with her. So he leaves the door open as he walks to the garage.

The boxes are old and worn. He knows Hakyeon dropped them off, he understands why he didn’t say anything, but he honestly doesn't get why he left the boxes here. What kind of revenge is this? He looks around, trying to think of how to get rid of them or how to at least shove them in the garage until he figures out where to dispose of them.

He moves to one of the boxes, this one has writing on it. His fingers brush across the words before he reads it.

As he reads it he falls to his knees and sobs. He notices his neighbors judging him from their windows, but he ignores them. He grabs onto the box, pulling it closer to him like a lifeline. He never wanted any of this to happen, none of it. His sobs cause his body to shudder strongly, but he feels a veil of soft comfort drift over him like a hug.He whispers the truth to himself and the veil warms up more, letting the man relax into it’s embrace.

Jaehwan still loves Taekwoon, now Taekwoon knows the truth. He hugs Jaehwan tightly one last time, smiles and finally leaves.

 

 

 

_“Jaehwan, They say that if you really love something, you should let it go. I can only hope that this is the reason we split up. If I could change one thing: about us, our friends, and the world. It would be the silence. We don’t talk about the little things that need to be said and we ignore things that need to be noticed. I’ve never talked much, but if someone was to pay close enough attention they would have noticed that I didn’t need to. That I expressed things openly, in my own way. We all do. The one thing I regret in life Jaehwan, is that I never told you what you needed to hear, even though I thought I expressed it clearly I forgot that you may not have been able to see it and I wonder if that’s not what also drove you away. Love is never easy for those who really want it though, is it?”_

 

_The End_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it guys! It's officially done. Thank you for baring with me and sticking through while I was a lazy piece of shit and fought through the writers block. I actually like this ending, but that'll probably change if I reread it some more and I realize how crappy it probably is.
> 
> This fic is my baby, through the highs and lows, but I can't exactly say i'm sad to let it go. Mama has raised her child, but she's ready to kick this motherfucker out of the nest so it can fly on it's own.
> 
> Also if you noticed, surprise! Hwayoung is Hyuk. Not the member from T-ARA, sorry. I thought the name was pretty, I think it means precious flower? Idk. I wanted to mention a trans character briefly and I love Hyuk so I chose him. I wanted to do it briefly because Hyuk being Trans wasn't that big of a deal. I didn't want to be like "Inner turmoil, bullying, this person is completely different from everyone and you need to notice it." She just didn't want to be uncomfortable with her friends, so she came out. Also I didn't mention her dead name in the story anymore because that seemed fucked up. She didn't deserve to be constantly reminded of her past in my opinion. She deserved to be comfortable.
> 
> There is absolutely nothing wrong with being trans, you're just being yourself and actually being comfortable instead of conforming for the sake of others right?  
>  So be comfortable you precious flowers. 
> 
> Also i'm sorry if what i've explained on my lack of "trans representation" (?) Bothers you. Constructive criticism is wanted. I'm a cisfemale so like I said about the innacurate panic attack, i've never experienced this and didn't want anyone to have to relive any bad moments.
> 
> Thanks guys!

**Author's Note:**

> There needs to be more Seo Eunkwang fics. Maybe I will write some later on.  
> I do not believe that Eunkwang is a terrible person, but my story needed a "villain" and I sort-of-kind-of ship Taekwoon and Eunkwang.  
> This was also my first time writing pseudo-smut (If you can even call it that)so please be gentle with me.


End file.
